Swassip

Least romantic, seemingly earnest Like a Little of the week

People are asking us to comment on the new LIke a Little page. Instead, we are just going to post our weekly favorites.

“At Indian Bar: Male, Blonde

I saw you puking your guts out in the Sharples bathroom. Just wanted to let you know that I’m lactose intolerant, too—and cute like you. Don’t worry, it gets better.”

Anonymous Swassipgirl dishes some dirrrty

A much-valued reader sends us this Post-Barn Party tidbit. 

“spotted: overly-disorientated freshman and high school sk8er boi banging in the bathroom of a (not theirs!) barn apartment at four in the morning after the basement party.  concerned residents, disturbed from post-loko lethargy by moans and rhythmic thuds against the now even dirtier sink, kindly requested they find another location.  after five minutes of debating whether they should continue in the (also not theirs!) shower, they walked into the living room before being redirected to the exit. much appreciated! “

We at Swassip are laughing, but mostly disturbed that high schoolers attend barn parties. Ville-rats takeover, imminent. 

Who?

Valued reader stevesie sent us this:

Brief review of Andrew Jeffrey Wright

Artist/comedian Andrew Jeffrey Wright performed a stand-up routine at Olde Club on Friday, 2/11, at approximately 10:30 pm. The pillars of his act were an extended anecdote about a time he ate a box of granola bars and shat himself, a segment where he singled out and ridiculed members of the audience, tampon-related prop comedy, and a solid ten minutes or so of one-liner penis jokes. He got a few laughs, but really there’s only so many times you can chuckle at the “My penis is so big/small/average that blank” formula. Some people, myself included, stayed through the bitter end. Others left, particularly after Andrew remarked that fathers ought to have the right to cum on their newborn children. They made a rational choice in leaving, though it is too bad they had to miss out on the bands that followed, who turned out to be well worth the wait. All in all, Andrew delivered more or less the sort of material you’d write for an audience of 12 year-old boys and that select group of all ages whose sense of humor plateaued around that age. Again, not to say that I didn’t laugh at times, but I also chuckle at the occasional fart, and I’m not paying people to come blow them into a microphone. If this is the caliber of comedy we can afford to bring to campus, it seems like we’d be better off saving our money for another band and getting our giggles from Vertigo-Go instead.

… No one at Swassip knows who Andrew Jeffrey Wright is or saw the performance, so we post this with a ? and a big thanks to stevesie. We are confused, but delighted to receive any submissions.

Also, swassip would like to go on record as pro-penis jokes, anti-fart jokes. i

Ew. A space for rumors/reactions to the bathroom perv.

The email says it all.

“NOTICE FROM PUBLIC SAFETY:

On Thursday, February 10, 2011 a student discovered a digital camera
that was actively recording images inside the handicapped accessible
bathroom on the main floor of Cornell Science Library.  The camera was
immediately removed and turned over to the Deans Office who, with the
assistance from Information Technology, determined that the device was
not network enabled and was not able to stream live images from its
location.  Only the first few frames of the recorded images have
been examined and these along with the remainder of the memory card will be
destroyed without additional review.

Public Safety is continuing its investigation. In this instance the camera
was adhered to the side of a trash receptacle, covered with the excess
black plastic from the can’s liner and is believed to have been placed
between 8:30 am and 11:30am.. Anyone who may have seen suspicious
individuals or activity around this location are urged to contact Public
Safety at x8281.

Although incidents of this nature are uncommon on our campus please always
be aware of your surroundings and promptly report anything believed to be
suspicious to the Public Safety emergency line at x8333.”

Das Racist Lost and Found

Lost- the dignity of 20+ Bryn Mawr girls, willing to cast bodily safety and personal integrity aside to get closer to a hip-hop group they only heard about yesterday.

Found- the indexical reminders of one Haverford Bro’s defeated shufflings through the snow after having passed out in the middle of the over-crowded cluster-fuck during the opening act. Seen bleary-eyed and tweaked out, held up with the support of a disappointed friend on his way home. boo hoo.

Lost- the respect for the Swat jackass who punched a fellow Swat female after she asked him to stop pushing her into the wall.

Found- Himanshu’s black cardigan. Anyone else relieved that shit was found. Dude seemed on the verge of a hissy-fit? Just sayin….

Lost- the simple joys of leg space at an Olde Club show. People bitch about the supposed underground, cult-like entity of Olde Club and its secret society of indie-obsessed followers, but everyone seemed perfectly alright packin’ the place up like a fetid deep-South swamp to hear the tunes of a band pretty explicitly not performing for them (re: that’s for all of us, white people.) I think in AP English I learned that special form of irony borne out of hypocrisy and a lack of self-awareness, but I can’t seem to remember it now. yawn.

Found- a new love for Uproot Andy. thanks for the memories. 

feel free to comment with your own lost/founds from last night… or to bitch about these.

xoxo swassipgrl

File this under, Our readers are sassy bitches

From Froshling,

“Spotted: moronic girl so entirely desperate for male attention that she necessitated PA intervention during Mayer Hawthorne. Seriously? He asks you to come up to the mic with him and you can’t even find your fucking way?”

PA Intervention would make a great Swarthmore Public Access TV Show, wouldn’t it? Sort of like the real Intervention, except uglier and majoring in biochem.

A little more swish on the basketball court

Anyone else hear the one about the “closeted” basketball player double dribblin’ a double life at Swat and on the infamous iphone app Grindr?

Anyone want to cum forward with some intimate deets? 

Makes the thought of the men’s locker room a little more entertaining, n’est-ce pas?

Edit: Link Added. Swassip tries to maintain the ethical cleanness of a Republican tapping his foot in the men’s restroom. By that I mean a wide stance verging on no ethics at all. But we do try to credit our sources if they want/deserve to be credited. So, this story def. comes from yoyoel’s blog. Please excuse any shady appropriations and yoyoel, we hope you get 5-10 more readers (our estimated readership) from these new links. 

<3sxoxo’s

see you at pube nite. (typo but we’re keeping it)

pub nite traumas and the detritus of a lost generation

yes yes it has been quite some time since i’ve written to you, fair readers. i have been out of commission due to a serious injury from wearing 4-inch louboutin slingbacks. my bad.

tonight marks the beginning of a new swassipgirl. a no-nonsense corporate b-i-t-c-h who tells it like it is and holds no prisoners.

tonight’s pub nite was a fucking mess and everyone should know it. three broken tables, 1 broken fluorescent lightbulb and 3 others unscrupulously removed from their ceiling fixture, in addition to unacceptably rude, sweaty underclassmen who somehow think anyone finds their bare midriff, unbuttoned oxfords, and sideways baseball caps cute enough to give them some sort of privilege to act like tara reid on spring break.

… but those idiots are underclassmen. my question for my fair readers, is what to do about a student council president whose only gimmick is getting wasted and taking off his shirt? the shtick is old and i seriously wonder what sort of “public” figure leads a brigade of other students to take part in property destruction. has it really cometo having to ask someone twice to stop removing lightbulbs? it seems vexing to the entire swassip staff that a young man who takes so much time putting together his outfits, takes so little time removing them and transforming into swarthmore’s own brand of “that guy.”

hmm… and to the two lovely young gentlemen who thought it would be funny to pee on the icc doors… thanks for confirming the need for such a center. our informants are only sad they didn’t know who you were to identify you for a much-deserved public shaming. until then, i’ll just say tsk tsk and get the fuck out of my school.

now i know some of you might be asking, but swassipgirl… pub nite was such fun this evening. all my friends and i danced to rhianna and even cher and imbibed our fair-share of cheap beer and skyy vodka out of a handle which we then ceremoniously threw on the ground. what could possibly be wrong with such a fun time? well reader, as the spray of blue glass settled on the ground by the end of the night, y’all may have had your fun, but you looked like pre-schoolers on a really bad sugar high.

get your collective shit together.

all my love,

swassipgirl. 

To the couple making out in the middle of Pub Nite

Y’all are CRAZY. We really enjoyed the show you were putting on. However, we’d recommend that in the future you avoid doing the wrap-your-leg-around-your-partner-while-making-out-standing-up, because it’s really unfortunate looking…. especially when you are too drunk to support each other. 

xoxo

swassipgirl

This is Swarthmore.

Sexuality partyDanawell trailer, 10pm-2am
Sexual expression at Swat is complicated.  For some campus is sexually repressive, for others it’s an open place for exploration.  Allison is making a movie about sexuality and needs to film a party scene on campus.  So she’s having a party.  Come and enjoy some food and lots of drinks and dance your heart out.  It may not be Genderfuck, it may not be Halloween, it may not be Crunkfest, but it is a chance for you to come and show what you think a good party should be.  Entering the party means giving your consent to be filmed, BUT NO ONE WILL BE FILMED DRINKING or if they request not to be.  Come if you have something to say about sexuality on campus, if you are looking for some good dancing, or if you just want to party!  
Hosted by Allison Stuewe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We think the original text speaks for itself.
xoxoswassipgirl

Swassip Op-Ed: The SYAF controversy

Yawn.

Swassip is not political. Not at all. However,we do report on campus gossip and controversies, and would be remiss if we didn’t finally comment on everyone’s favorite battle of politics on Swat’s campus re: the SYAF posters, counter-posters, defacement, agenda building, administration letters, and Daily Gazette comments. 

Thankfully, we don’t need to pretend to be fair or pretend to like anyone. At this point, our inclination is to say we hate everyone involved, but that would be oversimplifying.

Instead, we will direct our attention at SYAF, because let’s be honest, more readers dislike them than not, and we need the hits. So, to the members of SYAF, we offer the following advice.

~~~

SYAF Members,

We at Swassip don’t dislike you because you are conservative. You wouldn’t be the first insufferable activist group to grace Swat’s campus. We dislike you because your organization is self-serious, hyper-defensive, and has offered no events with whole roasted pigs to your fellow Swatties. Until this begins to change, we will continue to look at you as those smug freshmen with right politics and nothing else, not even a sense of humor. You are all probably extremely warm people, and we wish you all the best, maybe even that you get laid soon, but as of now, you are just irritating. 

We’ll be waiting for the smell of spit roasted animal flesh… 

Until Then,

xoxo 

Swassip

Pub Nite Faux Pas

Excusez-moi, but when did it become OK to vomit all over Paces during Pub Nite? 

To the anonymous vomiter: if we at Swassip had any authority we would banish you from every subsequent Pub Nite.  

We do suspect that this incident is in part due to the rise in hard liquor use at Pub Nite. If you really need a handle of Absolut or a bottle of Frangelico* at an indoor KEGGER, please seek help. 

*Frangelico is a fucking liqueur, and probably should not be consumed from the bottle or in SOLO cups… trashy. On behalf of Italians everywher, Vaffanculo!

Oh yeah, and we aren’t so keen on the window breaking douche-bag either. 

Get your shit together Swarthmore. 

(ps. 5 Swassip Points for the best disparaging comment about the music last night)

gurl on gurl, or swassip has pervert readers

Voyeurism writes:

the two hottest girls in the senior class (both names start with A) were making out at the halloween party and i’m pretty sure they both have boyfriends. don’t know if it was legit or just being attention whores, but it was really hot either way.

~~~~

We at Swassip haven’t confirmed this story, but here is our take on it.

@OP- we are posting this because that’s our business, but we have no problem telling you we hate dudes like you at parties. you think we don’t see you scoping out ladies and salivating all over the place… pathetic. next time you want to share that you jacked off to a lesbian fantasy instead of being involved in your own sexual fun, save it for a less judgmental audience. (if this assumes the OP was a heterosexual male, we don’t fucking care. save that shit for some GenSex class.)

@the two senior girls- about.com has a great article on tips for Her First Lesbian Time if you are interested in exploring sexually. 

1. Get to know your own body

2. Go Sober

3. Go Safe

4. Fantasize

5. Leave the toys in the drawer

6. Relax

7. Communicate with your partner

8. Have realistic expectations

Have fun!! We’ve all been interest in re-upholstery projects at least once in our lives.  

Halloween Redux

Let me start off by saying, ew. wtfwtf

Halloween Parties at Swarthmore are notoriously epic. By epic, I mean epicly awkward and vomit-filled. We here at Swassip pray for the day when Swatties can drink alcohol without vomiting all over themselves, their PAs, their cereal containers, and various pieces of furniture (we hear some drunk-ass gal dirtied up a Sharples couch REAAAL good.)

So let’s break down this shitshow for posterity’s sake.

1. To the couples who decided to make out against every available portion of wall-space in Sharples (and in one particular instance, fondle each other under costumage) we kindly remind you that while we may feel comfortable with the thought of you slobbering all over each other in the privacy of your dormrooms, this comfort zone does NOT extend beyond that 8 x 12ft room. This also goes for the couples simulating sex against the walls and calling it dancing. We hope your in-bed choreography is a little more stylized.

2. To the voyeurs on the balcony looking out at the mob of dancers. Why waste your time? To the voyeurs on the balcony taking pictures of the mob of dancers. Fuck you. To the voyeurs on the balcony who stayed there the entire night. Seek help.

3. To the mob of dancers. Congratulations on making Halloween 2010 the sweatiest, slipperiest, and most claustrophobic dance environment, since the the 2007 Bear Pride Party. Congratulations to all the attention whores dancing by the fireplace and on all the counter space. Your performances ranged from professional go-go, to drunk mess uh-oh, to I can see your no-no.

4. To the couples who successfully fucked in the auxillary rooms in Sharples. Subtle. 

5. To anyone wearing a bloody mask, be it fake or real. You are terrifying. Hope you had fun giving me nightmares. 

6. To the homos dressed as different variations of homo. Creative.

7. To the girls dressed as better looking girls. Good for you!

8. To the topless boys trying to impress their classmates with their well-worked pectorals. Shameless… but successful.

9. To those dressed as Antoine Dodson. Ugh. 

Got something to add, or any great stories about Halloween 2010. Let us know.

xoxo

swassipgirl